How to Survive The Holidays: 2020 Edition
Nothing makes me more crabby than the holidays. Kids begging for candy, family invading my house and eating my food, people expecting presents… My god. It’s no wonder I drink.
Well this year the holidays will look like a mixed trick or treat bag of jumbo candy bars and apples stuffed with razor blades. While I was delighted to be spared the droves of three foot tall superheroes holding bags out like a public radio fall fund drive, I’m pretty cranky about not seeing all those coeds in racy costumes at the bars. This year, I watched Nightmare on Elm street and drank at home.
Let’s admit it. Halloween is the easiest holiday ever. Things only get harder after it. Thanksgiving. Oh boy. A house full of relatives waiting to see if you dry out that turkey. “Oh, I’ll bring the cranberry sauce!” Thanks Karen. Well we get a pass on all that this year. Thank god. I won’t shed a tear about not being able to stand in a crowd at Best Buy for a few hours on Black Friday either.
But having the guys over for bloodies and NFL football? Hell, they may shut those games down for all we know, and my buddies didn’t, “make the cut.” They’re not in my damned, “Covid bubble!” (I wish I could use Chris Farley air quotes here, but I’ll settle for actual quotation marks.) I’ll probably stay home and drink.
Christmas. Don’t get me started. Yeah I probably have a good excuse to skip church. Yeah I probably don’t have to travel to see relatives. But you can be damned sure people are still gonna expect presents.
This will probably be the best Christmas Jeff Bezos ever has. Amazon’s gotta be loving this pandemic. Hang on.The UPS guy is at the door. His name is Gary, and I know him better than I know my kids. So I’ll probably ship some presents out. I’ll probably participate in some crappy Zoom meeting. You know what else? I’ll probably stay home and drink.
Before you start thinking I’m a little salty, let me tell you about a diamond in the rough. Let’s take a minute to consider the best candy, the juiciest turkey, the best gift of this holiday season: New Years Day! That’s right. We get through this blessed holiday season and can finally put an f’ing nail in 2020.
While I’ve always viewed New Year’s Eve as amatuer night, New Year’s Day is a bloody Mary enthusiast’s dream holiday. More bloody marys are mixed and enjoyed on this day than any other day of the year – and with good reason. After a night of overindulgence, it’s the perfect hangover remedy. And what hangover could rival the 2020 hangover? Those bloodies are gonna taste great!
So let’s all raise a glass and toast the New Year. Let’s pat ourselves on the back for getting through 2020 and look forward to better times in 2021. But since we won’t quite be out of the woods, no all-you-can-eat brunch buffet. Yeah, I’ll probably stay home and drink.
Here’s a unique recipe to help get you through this unique holiday season. I call it the Holiday’s Little Helper Bloody Mary.
Holiday’s Little Helper Bloody Mary
Living in Wisconsin, about all the fresh produce I think of after the growing season wanes are root vegetables. But as winter comes on, folks in warmer climates kick into tomatillo season. It’s a great time to get these tart little green flavor bombs. And hey, they’re green so, you know, Christmas and all.
You’ll need a blender or a food processor and the following ingredients:
Ingredients
2 pounds of fresh tomatillos (get away from those cans damnit!)
1 large cucumber, peeled
3 garlic cloves
Your favorite hot pepper. (I grew cow horns this summer!)
A handful of cherry tomatoes for balance
A dollop of prepared horseradish
1 oz lime juice
½ oz worcestershire sauce
1 tsp celery salt
2 tsp Old Bay seasoning
2 oz beef bone broth
A few ounces of Clamato (I added this after the fact and it added mouth-watering umami to the mix.)
Tequila Blanco to taste (Don’t be shy!)
Directions
Add all ingredients except tequila to the blender or food processor and blend to a smooth, even consistency. Take a taste. Adjust as needed. Fill a glass with large ice cubes. Add tequila, then the mix. Stir or shake thoroughly. Top with your favorite garnish. I recommend cucumber, cherry tomato, celery, bacon, pepperoncini pepper, and bacon. Strain into tall glass. Garnish with bacon and veggies. And enjoy!
